I am NOT strong enough for this!!! (thought in between gut wrenching sobs)/But I am because I have to be.
I CAN'T do THIS! I CAN'T hand my child over to the sugeons again! I CAN'T watch him suffer!(again with the sobbing)/I will because this is the hand we've been dealt and I love my child more than anything.
I don't want to do this anymore!/I will never stop. I will never give up on my child. I will forever walk by his side through this.
I am so often in awe of how such dualities exist simultaneously in my mind. For a time after he was born I gave myself room to experience the sadness and anger. But after awhile I became so frustrated that I wasn't learning to accept our fate. Wasn't acceptance the key to happiness?
Luckily I was wise enough to seek help. I met with a counselor who offered my this: "Maybe the key is not so much accepting "this", but accepting that "this" is unacceptable. Stop trying to force yourself to be okay with something that is so clearly NOT."
It took a few days to sink in, but when I stopped fighting the negative thoughts and feelings, stopped trying so hard to push them away, the positive antidotes were much more readily available to rush in and counter them. And I was in awe of how I could think both in the same moment. How I could cry and sob and feel the anguish of a mother who has watched her child suffer and will do it over and over again AND feel so eternally grateful to have a beautiful child, to have the experience and knowledge from which amazing patience and attention to every fantastic moment with him are borne. All at the same time. Tears of sorrow and gratitude in one breath.
This is so amazingly painful!/This is so amazingly wonderful!
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