Caving in.

We learned about our son's heart defect at our 20 week ultrasound. It wasn't long before I had become familiar with dozens of blogs from other heart families. I've read stuff that terrified me. I've read a lot that provided some relief. I've been reduced to a weeping puddle more times than I can count (although that also happens spontaneously and without the help of blogs).

Since our son was born I've debated writing my own blog. I need an outlet. A way to share my thoughts and feelings, good and not so much, irrational and rational. And since I'm not one for journaling, this is the next best option. But I've held back because most that I've seen include pictures and names, the entire story of a heart child's and heart family's journey. Which I've appreciated. I think I feel some connection with these families because of how open they've been in their sharing. But, much of what I've been debating revolves around how much I want to reveal publicly. Because as much as this is the story of my journey as a Heart Mom, it started with my son's journey as a Heart Patient. That leaves me feeling like in all of this I must honor him, and his autonomy, in telling the story. Not to mention that (if I'm being truly honest) the thought of putting all of this "out there" by name terrifies me, and there is some comfort in remaining anonymous.

So here I am. Trying to hide, yet be heard. And validated...because even though my husband and I go through this together, I still feel very alone sometimes. We grieve very differently and neither one of us can be everything to the other 100% of the time. So I'm simply here to process. To get my thoughts in order and share them with anyone else who might identify.