More then a few time in the past few years when I've let my guard down, or just completely broken down, in front of someone and talked about how terrified I often (always?) feel in regards to my son's CHD and that he might (will?) someday die (and likely before I do), I've been met with a response along the lines of "Well all parents worry about that! All parents live with the fear that something could happen to their child."
And in the past my reaction to those statements has always been:
Aloud: "I know. You're right"...followed by a change of subject.
Mentally: "But, it's different!!!! It is! And you're lucky you don't get it!!!"
Finally, a couple of weeks ago, while driving (which is where I do most of my thinking & crying) I finally was able to articulate (at least to myself) exactly how it's different.
While all parents hold some worry that something might happen to their child, they are also able to hold that something might not. I do not have that luxury.
I have those same fears. But I DO NOT get to hold that something might not. Because essentially my child is holding a ticking time bomb. We know this 100% for sure. We have pictures and written documentation to prove it. We just don't know what the countdown timer says. It could say 10 seconds, or it could say 30-some years.
In other words, I fear all the same things other parents do (car accidents, fires, drownings, kidnappings, etc.) and I live in fear EVERY DAY that this ticking time bomb will go off sooner rather than later. Because if one of these other things don't kill him first, his heart (or some related complication) will.
And that's how it's different.
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